Childhood struggles create lasting patterns of pain avoidance. We bring those behaviors into our most vulnerable adult relationship – our marriage or partnership.
Couples therapy is powerfrul. It creates relationships that heal early wounds and protect each other from life’s daily stresses. I truly believe that strong relationships are the foundation of a healthy society.
It’s all about secure functioning partnerships!
“Secure” is defined as being free from threat.
“Functioning” can be thought of as fulfilling a purpose.
Couples therapy is meant to help relationships become loving, safe, and supportive for each other. Imagine your life and community society if everyone had that!
In our work, we reduce threats by dismantling them one by one. Learning each other’s danger signals allows you to work fast to soothe your partner or yourself. Addressing distress as soon as it comes up means that trust builds, and problems don’t linger. When you put the needs of the relationship before the need to self-protect, then defensive moves are replaced with compassion and support. Your love becomes rock solid.
Here’s an example of what’s possible with couples therapy:
Dealing with Betrayal
Cora, 47, and Dillon, 49, came to me to address Dillon’s porn addiction and Cora’s feelings of betrayal. Both lawyers, they experienced a high level of functioning at work and in their religious community. Yet, she appeared sad and angry, and he seemed shut down and ashamed. The shit had hit the fan.
During the second session, the couple talked to each other about their childhoods. Cora’s was unpredictable and stressful. Her parents divorced when she was seven. Her mother raged or took to her bed. Cora’s father was absent; he rarely kept the visitation schedule.
When Dillon was a child, he spent a lot of time alone and could do what he wanted. Dillon’s parents, both lawyers, were highly successful which meant they worked long hours. He made himself dinner, watched television, and discovered his father’s Playboy collection when he was 11. He started watching pornography in high school. His parents put pressure on him get into an Ivy League college. To get relief, he watched porn. He was so ashamed, he never told Cora. He quit for long stretches, but recently started again.
Learning About Vulnerabilities
I helped Dillon and Cora learn about their greatest vulnerabilities: Rejection and abandonment for Cora; fear of being unappreciated and “suffocated” for Dillon. We explored how Dillon’s distance from Cora’s emotions made her feel rejected and more emotional. She was highly sensitive to times when he “checked out” or spent too much time doing something alone.
Cora discovered that being alone was the only way Dillon learned how to deal with stress. He felt rejected by his parents because he had to perform for them to get attention from them. He didn’t know how to deal with it. A light bulb went on when she made the connection between his childhood isolation and his struggle to tolerate her emotional expression. They both realized the amount of pain they were still experiencing.
The seeds of compassion were planted.
The couple developed a plan to stop triggering each other’s fears. She developed trust when he was willing to use a monitoring device on his computer and phone. I helped Dillon move closer to Cora when she was upset. It was so soothing for her, that his own discomfort went down, too. He became less fearful of her emotions and potential conflict. In fact, Dillon felt skillful at dealing with emotions for the first time in his life.
Cora stopped holding grudges. She also acknowledged his efforts to show love. Cora began to trust his sincerity. She was willing to give him time alone because she felt reassured and secure. She realized that his withdrawal was not a rejection of her (like her father), but an attempt to calm himself. She knew she could tolerate time away from him because he always came back to her.
Dillon and Cora successfully bridged the divide.
Each of them used couples’ therapy to learn how their childhood pain affected their marriage. They also contacted their deepest desires for security, support, and acceptance. Their desires were transformed into action using skills designed for their specific problems.
Strengthen Your Bond with Your Partner
Couples’ therapy is the best way that I know to heal old wounds and create a stronger bond.
Think about it: You’re born into relationship, so you heal in relationship. Most of our pain comes from our earliest family experiences. Without the guidance of a knowledgeable therapist, the same protective behaviors cause relationship stress.
Knowing how relationships work is my specialty. I am trained in the latest couples’ therapy techniques–the kind of therapy that maps a course from despair to healing. If you have tried everything to make the relationship better and are losing hope, call me for a free 30-minute phone consultation (919) 421-1890.